just feel like writing today. michael jackson died of cardiac arrest. this is like the one of many deaths i've heard in recent months. there have been so many that i'm feeling so depressed. first it was my senior. it was such a shock. i had to read it on the papers online. and late. it was just so sudden. all the things that haven't been said or done yet. the one affecting me most was how he always said he wanted to see in person one of the profs in the dept, that we should point out and show him if we ever see him in the canteen. but it never happened. every time i see that prof around now, i think of my senior. what a pity. it's even sadder than missing company for lunch. upon comparison, lunch company seemed so much more trivial a matter. his was the third death at ntu in 25 days for that period of time. it was a highly depressing period. and then recently there has been another suicide of an ntu student. he was a local student who had been under immense pressure, who couldn't seem to pass his exams and graduate. it actually got so bad that he couldn't cope anymore. nus had its share of tragedies too. an exchange student died in hostel, and more recently a phd got killed in a traffic accident while he was crossing the road with the green man on. there's been so many deaths on this level. even more depressing was the disappearance of the air france airbus 330. whole plane simple disappeared on the radar, and i had been hoping they'd land safely. turns out... they couldn't escape tragedy. all on board died in the crash, some debris had been found, and some bodies too. but the rest of the people on board are still missing. couldn't even find their bodies. farah fawcett died after her battle with cancer. michael jackson simply collapsed and died in his rented home. it's quite sad for michael jackson. sad, ironic, yet twistedly good for him, in some sense. we always say, death cannot solve your problems. yet here, for the time being, it seems solved to a certain level... there is no denying his talent and power, he is still THE most famous king of pop. there's no fight on any level. yet his talent and accomplishments had been so overshadowed by all the scandalous news. his numerous plastic surgeries had changed his face beyond recognition, not even like a normal human anymore. it had made him a standing joke in the world, a laughing stock and receiving end of snide remarks in all forms of the media and small inane conversations. he had been dogged with rumours and reports of child molestation and the like, serving as more ammunition used on him. various collaborators had started suing him, and his lifestyle had landed him in endless debts. he was actually so in debt that he had to put on 50 shows to raise that money. not that he wouldn't be able to do 50 shows, his talent and fan base (despite all the scandals) would be enough to guarantee audience numbers. but to be forced to do it despite him not really wanting to... (of course i dunno how true this is) it's just so tragic. someone of that calibre, being reduced to such state... he was in such a desperate need to make a comeback. yet he didn't have the time to do so. and YET, it seemed that with his death, all that wouldn't even have been necessary in the first place. his shocking death jolted people out of their cynical and coloured view. suddenly, everyone could once again clearly see his talent, and remembered his achievements. suddenly, everyone realised how they had missed the music he made, the dance moves he put on, his unbelievable rise to fame at a young age. instead of the usual snide remarks and butt jokes, now everyone seems to want to pay tribute to him, and respect. the treatment he so wanted, the reason for the comeback, all suddenly bestowed upon him when tragedy took away his chance for a comeback. lose the chance, but gain the result yearned for, guaranteed. who would have thought? it was a gamble for him, there was no guarantee. but now there isn't even the need to anymore, though he doesn't have the chance anyway. it's sad for him, yet in a twisted way, bittersweet victory. =========================================================if you were to die today, what would go through your mind? how do you want to be remembered? who would you want to speak to? i don't think there's anything i want to say to anyone which i haven't done yet. i think people i care about all already know how much they mean to me. it may not be mutual, some of them may not care as much, but at least i have let them know. but there's no way i can die without worrying and missing people. dying is not scary, even with the unknown. it's leaving behind the ones you love that is scary and miserable. you'll never be able to see them again, and you don't know whether they can cope. makes me wonder, is it any less horrible if you die without knowing you will? like, not even the conscious mind to see memories flash through? i guess it will be... that's why they always say, to die in your sleep. but of course, if you had gone to sleep with a heavy heart and troubled mind..... that's a different matter altogether... what would you see in the mirror of the erised, anyway? i thought of this yesterday. the mirror only shows you your heart's deepest desire. no matter what it is that you'll see, you're bound to feel miserable, i think. bcs it would be your deepest desire only bcs you cannot seem to achieve it. and seeing it in the mirror, your conscious mind can only torture you by telling and reminding you that you can never attain that. ever. or, how difficult it would be to achieve it. if you have the mirror in front of you, do you actually want to see it? can you live normally and peacefully? posted by Yee 1:20 PM . . .
